***This is a very long post about a very personal battle. There is a TL;DR at the end.
During my last year of nursing school, I finally took some time to really fix some of the problems in my life. I saw a counselor, well, more than one, I saw a chiropractor (though that wasn't super new), and I saw a doctor. I learned a lot about myself and suddenly a lot of things started to make sense in my life. However, this also meant that I had some new things to deal with.
After seeing 3 different counselors and taking a myriad of "tests," I was diagnosed with ADHD - Inattentive type. Which is basically saying, ADD. However the more we learn about psychology, the more we don't understand. ADD is no longer the going phrase, and there are now 7 types of ADHD. These include hyperactive type, inattentive type, hyper-focus type, combination type, etc.
The thing about this particular disorder is that it varies so much from person to person. I was a very hard case for these 3 counselors to diagnose because I was given tests for ADHD. I am anything but hyperactive, so my scores were always very borderline. To be honest, I had always wondered if I had something like this from a fairly young age. I was putting in 3 times as much work as my friends whom I considered to be on the same intelligence level as myself. I couldn't understand why. No, smart people don't have learning disabilities, and I'm smart. The stigma that surrounds ADD and ADHD is quite horrible. Being diagnosed as an adult, I've learned a lot about that.
There are certain chemicals in every persons brain. Many of you have heard of things like dopamine, and serotonin. These are neurotransmitters. Sometimes people don't produce enough, sometimes they produce too much, sometimes they don't stay in the synaptic cleft very long. Chemical balance is a very delicate thing in our bodies. While two people may have the same diagnosis of ADHD, or Depression, or OCD, or Bipolar, they will more than likely show it differently. Or on the other hand, there may be two totally different diagnoses but the same neurotransmitter is causing the problem. Why? Chemical balance. Our chemicals will affect each of us differently. On top of which, we have each been raised to think and be a certain way, we have different reactions to things in our external environment. Can technology cause ADD in some people? I'm sure of it. It might not all be chemicals. It can be conditioning. Some people will respond great to a complete diet and lifestyle change, others will have to rely on medication and therapy. Whatever works, I won't judge. I've learned that I can't.
So after a 2 hour examination full of questions about anxiety levels, OCD tendencies, dietary habits, tobacco and alcohol intake, feelings of depression, whether or not I hear voices, etc. I was diagnosed with a definite "ADHD - Inattentive type." My mind was reeling. My friend had suspected this in me all along, it was at her recommendation that I saw counselors in the first place, to help me focus on school and deal with it. She saw me become overwhelmed and depressed. She cared.
Of course I had questions, and I sat and talked to my therapist for awhile about it. He was very educational and kind about it. My therapist suspects I've had this since childhood. However because I was smart but not hyperactive, no one ever thought I might be struggling. It turns out many of my quirks and habits are coping mechanisms in my life to deal with my spacey brain. I zone out. I've done it while talking face to face with people, though I do it most often in group settings. It made it hard to listen to classroom lectures, it's hard to listen to lessons and talks in church. I am a very, very forgetful person. Suddenly, it all made sense.
I learned that my need for cleanliness and organization has been a direct result from my coping so I could complete my work. If things are out of place, I cannot focus on what is at hand. My need to write everything down in order to remember is also a coping mechanism. Sticky notes are my best friend. I have to have a monthly planner so I can see ahead what I have to do. I am a list maker. Most of my sticky notes are some sort of list. They're on my phone, too. While these are good habits for all people to have, they are a need in my life to keep things organized in my head. My roommates and my husband have seen me when my brain gets jumbled. It's not pretty. I can't function. I will just sit and cry, because sometimes it's all I can do. I wish I could describe my "brain jumble" better. It's like all thoughts come into my head at once and I can't pick one out. It's a massive train wreck of a million thoughts rolling up into one giant fiery ball. I can't hear myself think. I can't find where to start or end or what to talk about.
Poor time management is another side effect. It's also a very frustrating thing, and much of the reason I have to put in more work than my counterparts. However, it may just be a personality trait unrelated to ADD, but it's something I've always struggled with, and managing my ADD has helped me get a little better managing my time.
The signs that often come with ADHD/ADD are OCD tendencies and depression. At least, those are the signs that showed up for me. While they are common, to show up among many with this disorder, not all people will have them. The OCD tendencies I just described, list making, organization, cleanliness. These are things to help me focus. Depression comes with feeling overwhelmed so often. It wears me down. I become too tired to function well. I feel hopeless. I don't understand why I can't remember things. I don't understand why I can't focus. I don't understand why this project is taking twice as long as it should. I feel like I'll never be good enough. I want to give up. I want my brain to slow down sometimes. I want to keep thoughts in line with each other. I have lost my train of thought mid-sentence more than once. It's embarrassing. It then leads to the next thing that ADD can cause, anxiety. Much like the depression, the anxiety comes with pressure to perform. Although much of my anxiety is social anxiety, probably from feeling stupid when I can't keep up with the current conversation. That will be a whole other post, though.
I was put on medication. The difference it made in my life was astounding. It increased my general anxiety about things, but suddenly I was functional in social situations. I could keep eye contact during a conversation without thinking about it. I got overly chatty because the drug is a stimulant, but I learned quickly how to keep my chattiness in check. I was happier. I could be around people. I could focus on the task at hand. I could finish projects in a time frame that was possible. The best part was that I could knock off 9/10 things on my to do list. I am motivated! Even my family noticed I was a different and better person. Without the medication, I'm lucky to get 3 things done in a day. I would get too distracted, or depressed. Not finishing a to do list made me more depressed. It was a bad cycle. In normal ADD mode, I would never actually read this blog post. It's far too long. I won't be offended if no one else reads the whole thing, either. ADD or not.
The whole process of this has been a huge learning curve. I am grateful for it.
Since I've moved to Chicago, I've actually gone off my medication. At first it was because I didn't have a doctor to even prescribe it, now I do, and we've weaned me off of it. I do okay. When I wasn't working I didn't need it as much. Then I found that even though I've started my job, I don't need the amount of physical and mental energy that I did in nursing school, so I still do okay without it. Poor Rhett has to deal with my breakdowns. I've have pretty bad bouts of depression while being here, all of them in the first 4 or 5 months of living here. Looking back, it was a little scary. I wasn't in a good place. If I could stay busy I would have done better. However I didn't. It was hard to stay busy. The loneliness I felt when I first moved out here was overwhelming, but that's another story. We got a dog, which has helped immensely. I take fish oil, which helps the brain. I got a job, and that has been the greatest! Things are looking up. I have my days now, as we all do, but they're not bouts like I had before that would last for days at a time. Rhett has been a solid supporter, and even more importantly, he's been understanding, kind, and non judgmental. I couldn't have asked for a better companion to help me through all of this.
Just Mary thoughts.
TL;DR - I was diagnosed with ADHD - inattentive type (or ADD) as an adult, though it's suspected I've had it since childhood. It has caused depression, anxiety, and OCD tendencies. Social anxiety has been the worst. Medication helps, but I usually do okay without it, thankfully. It's been a learning curve. For details on how it's affected my life, read the above post. Or skim it. I don't care.
