For those of you who know me and Rhett, you may know that it took him years to convince me to marry him. For those who don't know, I'm not kidding. Bishops were surprised when they found out we had been dating for 3 years and and would ask me how I finally convinced him. Then I would surprise them even more by saying I didn't, he had to convince me. A lot of girls really want to get married, they practically beg for a ring. I didn't. I didn't want it. I was happy with how my life was going. I didn't need a ring. Sure, I knew it would be a nice thing to have one day, but I had this dream of being 30, having a Masters degree, and owning a house before getting married. Most people think I'm weird, but when you have a roommate as awesome as Monica, you won't want things to change. (A note to non-lds/utah friends who may be reading this: while 3 years isn't a super long time, please remember that premarital sex is off limits. This changes the way you date, especially within the culture that is Utah.)
Rhett and I started dating the week that I had sent off another boy on his 2 year, LDS mission. We had agreed that there would be no expectations, and that if I happened to be free when he returned home, we could try again. We had a pretty rocky relationship, but there was good chemistry between us, so I kept trying to make it work. I was pretty hung up on him for a long time. Oh teenage angsty hormones. I don't miss them. To be quite honest, I thought going on a date with Rhett wouldn't get serious, so it seemed pretty safe to go out with him. We kind of jumped into things faster than I normally moved in relationships, but it felt okay, so I let it go. Then I got comfortable.
For the next 2 years we dated and I liked it. I held myself back a lot, and didn't allow my emotions to get too involved because of the missionary. At least, that was my excuse. I wanted "closure" with that "relationship." Which was valid, I'd be lying if I told you I didn't want to see where things might have gone with him, but that was then. The closer we got to those 2 years being up, the more I realized how bad of a relationship it really was. How Rhett was so many things that the missionary would never be. While part of me did hold back with Rhett because of the other guy, another big part of me held back because I wanted to be independent. The biggest part that held me back from moving forward with Rhett was fear.
I've heard it said that love is a choice. Rhett and I had very few bumps in our relationship. We dated mostly long distance, and when I would move home for the summer, I'd freak out that we wouldn't be able to handle a close distance relationship. We did. Then I'd move back to Ogden for school and freak out that we wouldn't be able to keep a long distance relationship going. We did that, too. Rhett probably put in most of the work for the first 2/3 of our relationship. I was setting us up to fail, because that was an easy escape route. The only problem was that I LIKED being with Rhett. When I was with him I felt good and happy and comfortable, and it was easy to be around him and to be myself. What really threw me off was how feeling good and happy and comfortable turned into love. I had always imagined love to be constant fireworks and endless energy. When I dated the first guy, there was a lot of that. People warned that fireworks burn out fast, and the low burning love is what lasts, but because of that chemistry between us, those fireworks didn't burn out for me during the time I dated him. So why wasn't it like that with Rhett? Love came gradually with him. There were times that I felt it strongly, like a big sparkling campfire, but mostly it was just kind of a background thing, keeping me warm rather than giving me a big show. I think that "warmth" is what made me so comfortable with Rhett.
We dated for 2 years, the missionary returned, and I did see him a few times. I still felt a chemistry/tension between us, but I couldn't hurt Rhett like that. Plus I knew that this guy wasn't going to change how he went about relationships, and I hated how he went about relationships, so I got over it and decided to put him behind me for good. This gave me permission to be more "serious" with Rhett. That was scary. What about my independence? Do I really love him? I mean, I did love him, but enough to marry him?? Am I okay with marrying a guy who is shorter than me? If I'm not does that make me shallow? When I was with him my hormones would rage and I could never get enough of him. When he was gone I loved texting him, and I thought about him a lot, but I was content to chill with my roommates and I didn't feel that I needed him. Should I even marry I guy that I feel like I don't constantly need in my life? They always say to marry the person you can't imagine living without. Well, I can imagine living alone just fine, so my family said to marry the person I don't want to imagine living without. That actually changed it for me. I liked having Rhett in my life. I also liked having Monica in my life. Oh the conflict.
After 2 1/2 years of dating with this low-burning feeling of love, I finally prayed about my future with him. I had prayed about it a lot before this point, but this is when I knew I needed to get serious about it, or let him go. I was afraid of breaking his heart, but I was afraid of what might happen if my only reason for staying with him was so I wouldn't break his heart. That is not a good way to start a marriage. Even my parents told me not to break his heart. They would support me in whatever I chose, but I needed to do it sooner rather than later because Rhett deserved better than being led on falsely. So I prayed and I prayed and I prayed. Monica and Emily (my amazing roommates) tried to help by lending listen ears and support, and offering insights of their own. I still could not come to a decision. Heavenly Father would not give me any sort of answer! I understood that I had to make the decision and act on it before receiving an answer, so I would say, "Okay, Heavenly Father, I've made up my mind. This is what I've chosen. Is that ok?" Haha still no response, go figure. I wasn't acting on anything. Then Emily told me to try praying for something different. Change my question so I could go down the path towards a decision. That's when I got my answer.
I remember it clearly: I was driving to school, saying my morning prayer in my car like I always did because I was always running late. It was spring, and the leaves weren't even budding on the trees yet. I still had to wear a coat out. I finally decided to ask as I pulled up to a stop sign, "Will I be happy if I marry Rhett?" Words came into my mind that I knew to be divine. My answer was placed in my head and my heart with perfect clarity. "There are others who may make you happy, but none will ever treat you as well as Rhett does." The decision was still in my lap, but this answer made it easier to know what may lay ahead. Did I want to go find someone else to make me happy? Or did I want the happiness of being treated like a queen my whole life?
After much meditation, I knew that by the way Rhett treated me, I would be happy still. The best part: I would have more joy in my life being with Rhett than I would anyone else, even if that someone else would make happier. Happy is an emotion, joy is a state of being. I also knew it wouldn't work unless I worked at it. I would not be the one to let this relationship fail. I already knew Rhett wasn't giving up on it, so it really was up to me at that point. I had to put in my share of work now, no more leaning on Rhett and letting him make it easy for me. That's how I knew we would work, because we were both willing to work. Love really is a choice. After that point, I finally let myself really start to feel in love with Rhett. I knew I loved him, but now I needed to choose to be in love with him. It came easily. There still weren't big fireworks, but there were more than I had felt in the beginning. What I really think happened was that some wood got thrown onto the coals of my heart so a real fire could start. (Forgive the cheesy metaphor, but it does make it easier to explain).
Marriage is a big decision, for the next 6 months we talked about it and prepared for it. Rhett went ring shopping, and I tried to hold on to my answers from God. The night we got engaged, I kind of knew it was coming. To be honest, by the end of the night I was starting to give up that he might actually propose, but we still had one more activity planned on our big date, so I waited. That last activity never happened. Instead he did propose. I remember that whole date thinking to myself, "Heavenly Father, I think Rhett is going to propose tonight. I am going to say yes because I know it will be good, however if it is not the right thing for me to do, DO NOT send any red flags. Please put up a wall so big that I run smack into it and can't go around, because that is the only way I will know this is wrong." That prayer was in my heart all day. When Rhett put that ring on my finger and I said yes, everything felt right. I felt good.
The engagement, like the relationship, was smooth. There was only one major bump where I felt sick to my stomach and really didn't know if I could go through with it. After talking to multiple people about it I decided to stick with my decision. I could back out later if I had to. Then my mom called me. She called to tell me that she had been talking to Nancy Jones, our neighbor. Nancy asked my mom how I was doing, and my mom shared my joy, as well as my concern. Then Nancy said, "Tell her not to give up. Tell her to remember what her heart told her at the beginning and to trust it." She proceeded to tell my mom how she almost cancelled her engagement to Max, her husband. I almost didn't believe the story. Nancy Jones? The most faithful, stalwart, and sure person I had ever met? I would have never guessed. That gave me strength to carry on. She was meant to talk to my mother that day.
Fast forward to the wedding day, about 1 year after our engagement. I don't know what other brides feel on their wedding day, but I was calm all morning. Well, most of the morning. My hairstylist took a little longer on my hair than I had planned for, so I had to rush my make up. Terrible, I know. We got to the temple and Rhett's whole family was already there. I just wanted to duck my head and get away from people for a bit, I come from a very excitable family, but too much excitement makes me uncomfortable, or maybe I'm just really introverted. Luckily I was taken into the back where Rhett and I had a few minutes alone. We didn't say much, just smiled at each other. All the papers were prepared, and I went ahead to the brides room where I could change and prepare for the ceremony. At this point I started feeling a bit more excited and nervous at the same time. As Rhett and I kneeled across the alter from one another, I had one more thought of fear come through me. Am I really sealing myself to you forever and ever? Oh my gosh, what am I doing? Then I remembered the answer I had received in my car a year and a half earlier, and with love, I said yes. I don't think I stopped smiling once during the rest of the wedding day.
Now here I sit, one year later, reflecting on what I felt those 4 years we were together before marriage. I remember my good friend Darcy had come to see me before the wedding. We went on a walk where we talked about all sorts of things, but the thing I remember most was her telling me how much she loved Max since they got married. She said every day her love for him grew more, and she couldn't even comprehend how. I was already feeling a little bit of that, so I thought I understood, and I suppose I did in my own way, but now I really get it. There are times when I look at Rhett and feel like my heart is literally about to explode out of my chest. Now I don't ever want to imagine my life without Rhett in it.
I have come to trust in God even more because of my marriage to Rhett. He told me that no one would ever treat me as well as Rhett would, and I know He was right. During this first year of marriage, my anxiety and depression got a little out of hand. Rhett was there to support me and love me with each step. Not once did he tell me to just, "try to be happier." Not once did he get frustrated with me for being a downer. He simply picked me back up each time I fell and let me cry on his shoulder. He worked to understand what I feel. He read articles and studies. He shows me pictures of dogs when I'm stressed, angry, or sad. He has been my best therapy. (*Note: Please don't replace medications with husbands, all forms of therapy must work together.)
So if you're ever worried that you're not feeling all the things the movies say you should be feeling when you fall in love, just remember, it really is a choice. And when you choose love, you will have so much more joy in that relationship. If you fall in love, you can fall out of love, but if you choose to be in love, you can choose to make it a stronger, better love.
