I was with her when she saw Mt. Rushmore for the very first time in her life. I was with her when she saw the Old Faithful Geyser at Yellowstone erupt for the who-knows-how-many-timeth in her life. She came to see me in California when I was born. She was at all of the big events in my life, from birthdays to choir concerts to graduations. She enrolled me in the Jr. American Legion Auxiliary every year until I turned 18. She encouraged me to attend Girls State, and came down for my graduation from that, too. And I got to be there for her, the night she died. The night she rejoined my grandpa in what I'm sure was a joyous reunion. He died 14 years before she did, when I was 8.
Grandmas life was full. Mostly, it was full of love. She and grandpa traveled everywhere. They even owned their own RV and were part of an RV club. She bought me a Bitty Baby from the American Girl catalog when I was young. And every year for holidays and my birthdays, Bitty Baby got a new outfit. I've got a whole Bitty-Baby chest waiting to be shared with my daughters. She was a nursing home administrator, and when her dementia got really bad, she thought she ran the assisted living facility she lived in. She also got mad that they never sent her a paycheck for her work.
However, what really stuck out to me as young'n was finding out how much she loved service. She always involved herself in her community, and her church. She never missed a single month visiting teaching, it was her favorite calling (Visiting Teaching for non-Mormon readers: everybody in the ward is assigned another member in the ward to look after and visit with as a means to build relationships, and watch over the Lord's flock. It is encouraged to connect with your "buddy" about once a month. This way everyone can have someone to lean on when hard times come, and when they need help. It's a really wonderful program.) Grandma knew how to have fun! She loved to ride motorcycles. She liked to dance. She loved watching basketball (go Jazz!) The night her and my grandpa met she said she knew she would marry him. Shortly after their wedding, she got pregnant; and then the war broke out. My grandpa then left for 4 years to serve in the Navy, while she raised my aunt. I can't imagine what her life was like, I know she had a lot of hardship come her way, but as always, she remained steadfast. She told me how she always hated trains because they brought back memories of having to wave goodbye to him.
Funnily enough, when I think of grandma, I think of trains. I would often have sleep-overs at her house, and in the middle of the night after we settled into bed, I would lay awake and listen as the big cargo trains ran in the distance, occasionally blowing their horn. It was one of the things that brought me some familiarity when I first moved to Chicago. We live right off the L train, and at night I hear them pass by. They don't have horns, but the doors do ding as they close.
I can still feel her fingers tickling my back as she would tell the favorite Christmas story of "Grey Pony and Brown Donkey." I can still taste her potato salad (the only potato salad I ever really liked). I can still hear her say, "I wonder where all these cars are going" as I drive down the freeway. I can still see her fingers covered in melted chocolate from the treats she had in her drawers. I'll always love the memories of having to be the one to share a bed with her on vacations because I'm the only person who could sleep through her oxygen machine whining at nighttime. I'll always remember how proud she was of me for getting into nursing school. It made me proud of myself in a time when I struggled with some mild depression and anxiety.
On their 50th wedding anniversary, grandma and grandpa were sealed together for time and all eternity in the Salt Lake City Temple. I'm forever grateful for eternal families. I look forward to seeing her again someday. Until then, I know she comes to visit me from time to time. I've felt her presence near.
In one of her last lucid days before her death, she seemed to know she was saying her goodbyes. She was telling everyone how much she loved them and how much they meant to her. When she got to me she simply squeezed my hand and said, "I love you, but you already know that." And that was all she needed to say. Yes, grandma, I know how much you love me. I see it in my American Legion Auxiliary ID cards, in my outfits for Bitty Baby, in the pictures I have of us traveling together, in the books sitting on my shelves that were from you, in my china tea sets you brought me from your own travels, in the bluebirds that were always on your nightstand, which are now on my bookshelf, in everything you've ever said to me or done for me, in every memory I have of you, I am filled with your love.
"Mourning is one of the deepest expressions of love. The only way to take sorrow out of death, is to take love out of life." -True to the Faith
Sitting by her bedside as she lay dying, I was already in deep mourning. I knew it was her time, I had felt the veil thinning in the days that lead up to it. She saw people who had passed on years ago, including grandpa, but it didn't make it any easier for me to say goodbye. My family asked me to sing a song, and immediately I knew which one it would be. I didn't say it then, I let people talk it out for a minute, thinking about what they might pick, but I started singing a favorite hymn.
Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side; with patience bear thy cross of grief or pain. Leave to thy God to order and provide; in ev'ry change He faithful will remain. Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake to guide the future as he has the past. Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake; all now mysterious shall be bright at last. Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.
Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on when we shall be forever with the Lord, when disappointment, grief, and fear are gone, sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored. Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past, all safe and blessed we shall meet at last.
I can't think of a more worthy person to deem as my hero, and I pray every day I can be like you, Grandma. I want that same steadfastness, calm demeanor, pleasant attitude, go-with-the-flow lifestyle, and even that same stubbornness and love you held in your heart.
5 years feels like 5 months.
Love,
Mary
Beautiful Mary! She Loved you to pieces!
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