I told you that Mormonism has shaped how I view myself. It is most of the reason I dress the way I do. It's why I don't drink alcohol, coffee, or tea. It's why I don't cuss. It's partly responsible for making me who I am today.
The Mormon Church has had some really great, strong women in its history (see: Eliza R. Snow), and even now we see wonderful, strong women (see: Sheri Dew). Around the 1950's the church also started to follow social trends, and that's where we see women's roles fading out. Before that point, women did a lot of things that we just don't do now in the church. While they have never held the priesthood, they used to be much more involved in blessings. I am grateful to my mother, though, as she taught me that "mother's blessings" can be just as powerful as a priesthood blessing if the occasion called. While she never laid her hands upon my head, I remember her holding both of my hands in hers, and saying a prayer with me, or for me. Praying for whatever it was I needed in that moment. It always worked, even if it was just to calm me down.
So what does any of this have to do with Feminism and/or my dad? I'm getting there, I promise. Essentially, I am a feminist. I am a feminist because I believe in equal rights for women. We are still lacking in equal pay and even still in equal treatment and representation. Especially within the Mormon Church. Am I demanding that I hold the priesthood? No. Equal does not mean the same. 2+2=4, but so does 1+3.
Before I continue with my thought process, I want to bear my testimony. While much of it has been shaken, broken, built and rebuilt, I hold on to the fundamental basics I do know. So far they have gotten me through when all other parts of my testimony fail me. I know there is a Heavenly Father (and a Heavenly Mother) who love each of us, and know us individually. I know that the only way back to them is through the atonement of Jesus Christ, and His plan of salvation. I know our gospel holds the fullest amount of truth to be had right now. While the church itself has a shady history, that is only because it is led by people. People are imperfect. We do the best we can, and God works with what we can give him. It makes sense that there are mistakes, screw ups, shady activities, etc. in the churches history. It is not the church that we follow, though. It is the gospel. The gospel is for all of us imperfect humans to learn to be better.
That being said, I have struggled with the way women are treated within the culture of the church. Modesty was never my issue, but now I see it was for many of my friends, and my heart breaks for them. My issue was with myself. With my self-worth. It has been implied to me on more than one occasion (and straight out said to me once as well) that it is the woman's job to make and raise babies. My mind went on a track from there. If that's all I'm good for, then it means my purpose in life/society is to make little boys who will contribute to society, and if I make little girls, I should instruct them on how to make little boys who will contribute to society... I wanted to pull my hair out!!! Surely making babies is not the only thing I'm good for?! Oh well, yes, of course you can have a job and do good, but children are the number one thing you will ever do. And you know what, maybe that's true, but you don't know that. Maybe I'll never have kids. My contribution to society had better be more than just popping out babies. *I* can do good! Not just my husband and sons.
I feel hurt when people tell me things like that. I kind of want to rub in their faces that I just happen to make more money than my husband. Does that technically make me the breadwinner? Hmmm... He doesn't care. Together, we are doing quite well. (I'll have to post more about how awesome he is later).
Now that the feminist rant is over, I can move on to talking about my amazing father. Not every girl is as lucky to have a father like mine. I feel bad for those girls. While my father expects that I will have children one day, it is rarely the topic of conversation. My entire life growing up, I was told that I was smart enough to do or be anything I wanted to. There was never a lack of support. I expressed interest in joining the air-force, and he had a recruiter come talk to me! When we would do math together after school, he would tell me that I should be an engineer, because female engineers are sorely needed, and I was smart enough to do it. He'd go on and on about how companies will wine and dine me to get me to work for them. I could ask for just about any salary I wanted. I could do anything.
When I finally decided I wanted to be a nurse, I wasn't sure what his reaction would be. Nursing is a typical female job. I wasn't stretching myself to the limits of outer-math. Yet he could not have been more proud of me. As soon as I expressed that was my desire, he told me how smart he thought nurses were, and he told me he was so proud of me for picking a career that would allow me to use my brain and reach my potential. He started looking into the different things nurses can do. Legal nursing, nurse practitioner, nurse anesthetist, and so on. That was before we even knew how hard nursing school actually was. How many times did I call him crying, and he continued to encourage me. One day when things got really bad, and I was having troubles with the higher-ups over the program, he told me something: "Nil illegitimo in desperandum carborundum." Obviously I was clueless, when I asked what the crap he was talking about because he knows I don't speak Latin, he chuckled and said, "Don't let the bastards get you down." Hearing my dad use a word like that was a bit shocking, but I realized something. He had been preparing me for this my whole life. He worked so hard to build me up, and make me know I was smart, that those "bastards" couldn't wear me down. I walked with my head a little higher the rest of that day (once the puffy eyes went away).
I have never once told someone I am "just a nurse." I have said that about being a CNA, because I knew that was not the end point for me. I will never be "just a nurse." Do not ever tell a nurse she or he is, "just a nurse." We became nurses with full knowledge that this will be our lives. Some people use nursing school as their step into med school, most go a chemistry or biology route. Going through nursing school is a longer route to get into med school. A few of my classmates were debating between nursing and PA school (Physician's Assistant). They chose nursing over PA for a reason. Typically that reason is the level and type of patient care. We are one-of-a-kind, and yet there's millions of us. In the old days of the church, the Relief Society sent women to medical school to become doctors, nurses, and midwives. When they came back, they taught others. Eliza Snow even served as Deseret Hospital's first president. Talk about powerful women.
So now I bring the question to mind, why. Why, when I was so encouraged by my father, and built up to know my potential, have I been so hurt by others who have implied that my potential lies elsewhere? Why do I have a hard time in the temple? I think I've narrowed it down. Submission. There is a huge undertone of submission. I realize it is overall submission to God, which I will whole-heartedly do, but because of the symbolism within the temple, I often feel emotions that are not congruent with how one should feel in a place of peace and serenity. People often take symbolism too literally, and by often I mean reallllly often. Thankfully, I have a father who realizes my worth as a human being. Who realizes that I can help everyone around me, and reach my potential in my field. If I was only a nurse the rest of my life and never accomplished another thing, he'd still be proud of me. However my father realized that I could do *everything* I wanted. If that includes being a mother as well as a nurse, as well as a successful teacher, or entrepreneur, or whatever, I could.
I can.
I will.
My potential does not lie with me being a woman, it lies with me as a person. That is how my father sees me. As a person. A person who just happens to be female, but who cares if she's female?! She's smart and talented! That is all she needs to get her to where she wants to go in life.
Am I a perfect person? Far from it. I feel that I needed to share what a great person my father is, though, so everyone knows that he sees people for who they are and what they can become. Too many of my friends have focused on getting married. Marriage is the next step in their life and it seems as if they can't be whole without it. While getting married is a good thing, it does not make you whole. Only you can do that. Go, reach your potential! I'm still far from mine, but I'm on the right track. I've reached as far as I can go for where I am at right now, and tomorrow is another day to go a little farther. I love my dad for making me feel smart and valuable, even when others have told me my value is in something else. Don't let anyone tell you that you can't do something. Go and change the world! Even if it's just one person's world.
For teaching me all of this and always having my back, I thank you, dad.
TL;DR - I'm a Mormon, I'm a feminist, I've been hurt by people saying I am only good for being a mother. I say screw them, I'm a nurse and I save lives. My dad is the reason I can believe in myself because he believes I can do anything and that I can change the world.
A picture I took of the Indianapolis, IN temple. The ordinances that take place inside are sacred and holy, and should be respected. Good work is done in there.
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