I'm A Mormon (with a struggling testimony)

One of my friends, who has decided to leave the church, posted a poem on facebook the other day. It was a poem filmed on youtube by a guy who was sharing it as his story of why he left the church. He goes from being a missionary, to questioning things he'd never learned before, to becoming an "apologist," and then eventually leaving. The response to my friend's post was very positive, because most of them felt the exact same way. All were people who live in Utah, and have felt a discord in their life because of the church, and have ended up leaving. They were all happy to know they were not alone.

I'm not eloquent enough to write a poem, but I want to share my journey. It is a very similar journey to the ones that said facebookers have experienced, but the outcome is vastly different.

It mostly started when I was 17. It was the temple that bothered me most. And the polygamy. I couldn't come to grips with why a loving heavenly father would allow such an unfair policy. Men can be sealed to another woman if his first spouse passes on, but women only can be sealed to one man, no matter what. Polygamy was banned a long time ago, yet I saw that across dimensions, it is ever rampant. I was not okay with this. Is polygamy the reason we never hear about our heavenly mother? We have one, but do we have many? I watched a documentary around the same time about Brigham Young and his wives. It bothered me. It bothered me for a very long time.

Another thing that bothered me was who they would allow into the temple. An ex-boyfriend of mine was preparing to serve a mission, and would therefore be going through the temple. He made some lighthearted jokes about having the "golden ticket," which really just chapped my hide. I got in a bother and told him I thought he was too immature to receive his own endowment. He was a bit taken aback, I think. He stopped making the stupid jokes, and after he had gone through he asked me if I still thought he was too immature. Yes. Yes, I did think so. Again, he was taken aback (I think he was under the impression that going through the temple somehow suddenly made him better, smarter, and more mature...) I was at least grateful to see that he was trying harder to understand the importance of the endowment.

It was very conflicting, these angry thoughts about the temple, because at the same time I felt a very strong desire and need to go through for myself. I knew it wouldn't be at that time, but someday, I would go through. Not for a man to marry, not for a mission, but for me. For me and my relationship with God. How do you balance trying to go to a place that angers you to build a relationship with God? It's still hard. To this day I still have conflicting feelings when I am in the temple, though for different reasons now. I may explore these in another post. It angered me that immature idiots could go through when someone seeking a stronger relationship with God was denied for being too young, although I now understand the necessity of going through before your mission. Shout out here to my roommate Emily, who  years later told me that if she could have served a mission without going through the temple, she would have. She softened my heart towards the temple more than she knows.

Later in my journey I, too, became an "apologist." There was a perfectly good reason for all of this stuff to happen. Right?

...right?

Sometimes not.

What do you do when what you thought is now not what you think? I have a lot of ideas and opinions that may or may not be true, but I've found that many others feel the same way as I do. They believe in this gospel of Jesus Christ, but that doesn't stop them from thinking that perhaps Joseph Smith or Brigham Young weren't as great as we all make them out to be. Or that most of our prophets have been racist. And sexist. Oh the sexism within our churchy culture. (See my last post about my dad for why the sexism never bothered me until I was older. Thanks again, dad, for pushing me past the boundaries of male vs female and giving me the courage to do what I want as a person.)

So how do we deal with the discord that all of these things bring us? How do we deal with the internal conflict?

From here I can only give you my opinion, and my journey. This journey I am on is far from over, because I continue to question, and I continue to ponder, and I continue to have conflicting thoughts. At this point many would say: If it causes this much conflict, it must not be right, it must not be true. I don't believe that. If it causes this much conflict, yet I still have such a strong pull towards this gospel, something about it must be right. Right for me. This is where I need to be. Though you may find truth elsewhere.

I heard a thought from someone once, that God works with the best that he has. The best that he has here on earth is us. We are far from perfect. Church members and church leaders did stupid things, said stupid things, and were/are sometimes just stupid. They make mistakes, they have ridiculous opinions! You probably have a ridiculous opinion or two yourself. I'm sure I have many. It's what makes us unique, and human. That is why we are encouraged to pray about everything the leaders of our church say. If you've ever been told to go by blind faith, I'm sorry. While faith is a very important aspect of religion, you still need a personal confirmation to even follow in faith if answers are not going to be given at that time.

In my own life I prayed about things that I knew I would not get an answer to. I prayed about polygamy in the afterlife. God gave me a very specific answer that wasn't an actual answer. The words came into my mind, "I promise you, Mary, you will be happy," accompanied by a strong feeling of love. It wasn't a yes or no that I wanted, so it still took me years to come to terms with that answer, but now I have faith that I will be happy. Heaven would not be heaven if we were unhappy.

When the conflict in my heart starts to surface, I remember the things that I know. I know the Book of Mormon is another testament of Jesus Christ. I know Jesus Christ is the Savior of all mankind. I know God loves me. I know God loves me. I know God loves me. God will never hold me back from reaching my potential. I know the Holy Ghost can whisper truth to my heart. I know my prayers are heard. I know the priesthood is God's power here on earth. That is my foundation. I don't know about polygamy. I don't know about church leadership sometimes, but I do know they are trying. They are trying like I am trying. Trying to live, to worship God, to be a good person, to serve others and make them happy. We are all trying. That is all I need to keep me going while I find the answers to other questions. There are many questions, and I can only sort through a few at a time.

I sustain the first presidency and the quorum of the 12 apostles. Even when I question their words, I try to follow their counsel until I have my own answer. They are human, but they also have a lot of life experience and spiritual guidance to make them wise. I can't actually think of a time in my life that I have disagreed with their teachings after studying, pondering, and praying on their words.

A few other things I know: All religions hold truth. Can I tell you how much I adore Pope Francis? I follow his teachings closely, because he is a Godly man. Personal revelation is very real, and you don't have to be Mormon to receive it. I know Pope Francis receives revelation and promptings from the Holy Spirit to help lead his church. I just happen to believe that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has more to offer me. I love my coworkers who are Catholic, Baptist, and otherwise, all of whom teach me about God in their lives.

I believe all people are innately good. We do not need religion to be good. Religion can only help us better our relationship with God, which in turn helps us to be better people. It is not, however, our reason for being good.

In the aforementioned poem, the poet describes how freeing it was to let go of religion and the conflict. While there have been times that sounds nice, overall I feel that I would be empty. Already with my personal conflicts crushing and rebuilding my testimony again and again, I have felt that emptiness. My testimony, my religion is a large part of who I am. Losing that made me feel that I was lost. When questions arise, I go back to what I know, and what I believe. Then I remember, this is for me. This is where I need to be. This is where God wants me. God is the reason I am a nurse. God is the reason that I am Mormon. God is the reason I married my best friend, and God is the reason I live in Chicago. God rocks.

Redditor u/isoperimetric stated much of my belief perfectly: "I stay because I believe that the church doctrine is true. There are a thousand things "wrong" with the church, things that make me as a 23 year old women feel unwelcome by a church run by 80 year old men. All of them however are cultural. At its bones, I think the church teaches beautifully about Christ, family, repentance and love. I truly believe in the loving God portrayed in the church. In fact my entire testimony hinges on the knowledge that there is a loving God. And as such, he must have given us modern day prophets, and eternal families, and the power of the priesthood. All of these are unique to the church.

So as much as I sometimes dislike the people in the church, the culture and how it is organized and run, I stay because I believe that this is where God is." My time in Chicago has made me see just how much the Mormon culture affects us in Utah. Things that seemed important in Utah now seem like distant thoughts. Yet seeing this new culture and new world has brought up many other questions, that I am excited to seek answers to.

There is no problem with questioning your beliefs. As long as you hold on to what you already know, the rest will come in time. If that means leaving religion behind, then do as you feel is right. For me, it means trudging on with questions in my heart, and seeking answers for my mind. Seeking answers usually brings more questions, but that's true with anything we study, be it religion, medicine, science, calculus, art, music... Which leads me to my final advice, which is what I've been saying this whole time: Question. Seek. Do. You need to do what you feel.

I often feel conflicting emotions about my friends who leave the church. I am sad that they are losing that part of themselves, because I know how hard it is to feel that emptiness. I am sad that they don't see what other blessings could come into their lives if they continued in the gospel. Sad that people judge them for leaving the church. Yet I'm happy they are following their hearts, I am happy they have found peace. Happy that they have learned much of what I have in their own journey. Happy because I know they are still being blessed for listening to their heart and trying to be good. My friends, you are not bad people, you are wholesome and wonderful. I love you all. Truly. Continue to question, to seek answers, and do as you feel. Continue to allow God into your life in whatever way fits your spirit best. For me, it's attending church, listening to the prophet and apostles, meditating, praying, following commandments in faith and in knowledge, and serving.

What is it for you?

***An after note: I don't know why women can't hold the priesthood, and I don't really feel like that is an issue I care about enough to bother with. I have a hard time wanting to attend church sometimes, but I know it's one of the best ways to keep my spirit in tune with the Lord. I need to find more ways to engage myself again... And last but not least, I'll share with you the scripture that has gotten me through all of this: Alma 32:27.
"But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even util ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words."